


The Sarcasm Twins

by Sent2TheBeast



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Brotp, Gen, Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-16
Updated: 2016-06-16
Packaged: 2018-07-15 10:51:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7219480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sent2TheBeast/pseuds/Sent2TheBeast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone misunderstands Alec and Clary's friendship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Sarcasm Twins

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, making it clear right here that this is a BroTP NOT and OTP, Malec is still my one and only love for relationships. I got this idea from a Buzzfeed Video entitled "Signs You've Found Your Sarcastic Soulmate": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lun7SoXwJk8
> 
> Warning, the script from the video and the script for this will be pretty similar.

 Once upon a time it had been the easiest thing in the world for Alec to shout to the heavens that he hated Clarissa Fray, Fairchild?...whatever with ever molecule in his body. But something had changed a few months ago, after that shit show with Jace, and from that moment forward it grew a little harder to hate the red headed artist everyday. It had become almost a game between the two of them, the sarcasm, and sometimes when Alec was forced violently out of sleep from his nightmares, or Clary just couldn't fall asleep, they would laugh about how everyone in the Institute, his siblings included, would swear on their life that the two hated each other. 

Clary walked into the meeting late, wearing a baggy cat sweater Alec was sure Izzy would have a heart attack over. A slight blush powdered her cheeks as a room full of important Clave members turned to stare accusingly at the interruption. "Morning!" She said sweetly before crossing the room to sit at the only available chair next to Alec and someone from the Seelie Court. 

"Clary, that is  _some_ shirt" Alec whispered under his breath, giving her a once over, and taking a sip of his coffee. 

"Oh you've never seen it before?" She tugged at the bottom of the sweater, and glanced down at the pattern "I got it from your mom's closet last night so I just figured you probably would have seen it,"

Alec bit back a smile "I think I've never seen it because it was one of her maternity shirts" 

"No..." Clary chewed at her bottom lip for a few seconds stewing it over "She told me you were adopted and she was never pregnant with you so..." she patted his shoulder gently "Sorry you have to find out this way"

 

"mmm," he sucked in breath "Maternity shirt would explain the size...And she had two other children,"

 

Underneath the table, Clary flicked Alec in the side, they ignored each other for the rest of the meeting. 

 

***

Alec knew he would get some shit for not coming home last night, but in his defense Magnus had made a really  _really_ convincing argument for why he should sleepover. The definition of stealth, Alec opened the door to the Institute, and slid inside as quickly as possible. He froze when he heard the sound of someone clearing their throat, he turned his head, and pretended like he wasn't surprised or relieved to see Clary sitting on a bench by the door, sketchbook in her lap and coffee in her hand.

"Good morning" Alec said flatly, squaring his shoulders and attempting to flee before Clary could say anything

"Morning to you too...you just have like a  _great_ day...like the _best_ day you've  _ever_ had" he heard her yelling down the hallway.

 

Alec hoped she could feel his eye roll from where she was. 

***

Alec stumbled into the kitchen, bleary eyed and limbs heavy with exhaustion, to see Clary standing behind the counter, pouring milk into a mug

"Clary," Alec said, rubbing sleep from his eyes

"Alec," she nodded curtly

"Quit hoarding the milk please," he reached for the carton by her side, and his fingers met air as she swiped it up from beside her, placed her lips to the carton and tipped it backward. She transferred the milk to her left side, where Alec couldn't get to it. 

"Nope," she wiped the away the milk mustache, wrapped one hand around her coffee mug and the other around the milk carton, and headed for the door. She left the milk at the very edge of the counter before she left the room. 

***

Clary yawned as the waitress put two pancakes on the table, Clary shoved the blueberry one toward Alec and pulled the chocolate chip toward her. 

"Late night last night?" Alec asked, fingers steepled as he watched Clary inhale her breakfast. 

"Yeah," she swallowed "I have this thing called a social life...maybe you should look into it." Alec flicked a blueberry at her. 

***

Alec could hear the sound of laughter coming from the hallway and smirked to himself, already formulating the perfect insult for his dear friend Clary Fray. 

"Alec!" Clary called, before he could open his mouth "How'd that cream work out for you? Did you get rid of the swolleness and the redness in the," she pointed her finger downwards and adopted the kind of fake whisper that makes whatever is said sound ten times louder than normal "downstairs area?"

Alec stared into her eyes and slowly lifted his hand to reveal his middle finger, sticking straight up into the air. 

"Why do you guys hate each other?" Izzy queried, her voice tinged with sadness. 

"Oh we don't hate each other," the two responded simultaneously, as Clary lifted a finger in response. 

"Yeah..." Alec exchanged his middle finger for his pointer and turned it on Clary "So I'll return your cream...soon as I'm done with it," he winked and started walking away. 

"Okay cool!" Clary shouted to his back "Have fun trying to fit in with the rest of the people here,"

Clary burst into laughter as Alec flipped her the bird with both hands without turning around to look at her. Izzy spent the rest of the day confused. 

***

Clary jumped up on Alec's desk, turning to face him "Oh Alec! You didn't tell me your boyfriend was here today" she pushed a bottle of lotion toward him "That's weird...you want to introduce us?" 

"Yeah...well...I guess that actually makes this a double date for us then huh?" Alec asked, reaching beneath his desk to pull out a trash can. Clary's eyebrows knitted together in silent confusion "That's where your love life is..." Alec wandered off, painfully aware that this was not his best moment. 

"Okay..." Clary slid off the table and walked away. "Better luck next time, enjoy your date!" 

***

Alec's phone vibrated in his pocket, and he pulled it out to look at it,  _Incoming Message_ , he unlocked his phone and came face to face with a picture of a rather large, and admittedly impressive penis. 

He heard a snort from behind him and turned around to face Clary. "What...what is that?" he shoved his cellphone in her face

"It's your new background,"

"Change it back,"

"I thought you liked dicks," Clary blinked innocently and then began to sprint down the hallway. 

"Clary! I don't know how to change a background!" He screamed, running after her. He kept the picture until Magnus could help him, they laughed about it for a solid week. 

***

Clary plopped down on one of the big, comfortable chairs the Institute typically kept reserved for important Clave members, and opened her sketchbook. Inside, where her half finished doodle resided, was a bright yellow Post-It note which stated  **To Do: Eat a Bag of Dicks**

"Hey are you free right now?" Alec asked, trying unsuccessfully to hide his knowing smirk. 

"No..." Clary sighed "I'm actually really busy...someone left a to do list for me so I've just gotta suck all these dicks, and then I'll get right to it"

Alec turned to leave, but he stopped after three steps and spun around "You know..it actually says eat them,"

Clary shot up, stele pointed accusingly at Alec's shimmering eyes "I'm gonna murder you," 

"Hey!" Jace yelled as Clary chased after Alec. "I know a dick you can eat," he wiggled his eyebrows jokingly. Alec and Clary stopped dead, looked at each other for a split second and before Jace knew what hit him, two rather dense pillows nailed him squarely in the face. 

"You're disgusting," Alec called, plopping another pillow into Jace's stomach. 

"Oh you know you love me," Jace said, and whacked Alec's side when he wasn't looking. The three were cleaning up feathers for almost four hours, and Jace spent almost another half hour plucking feather's from Clary's hair. 

***

Alec was so tired, he'd had about ten hours of sleep in total for this entire week, so he couldn't be bothered to care when he spilled a little bit of his coffee onto the table, and he cared even less when he set his coffee mug down on top of the spill. He turned to talk to Jace, but was interrupted by Clary's "What were you raised in a barn?"

He turned to look at her "Is this your first time drinking coffee? What is all this mess?" She pointed her finger accusingly at the puddle of coffee on the table "Come on Alec, respect the property"

"You know...maybe if you weren't such a throbbing dildo with a fucking God complex and some shit which you claim is water from the Fountain of Youth coming out of your vagina I wouldn't be so fucking disgusting all the time,"

"Whoa!" Jace interrupted, mouth hanging opening in shock, face turning slightly red at the way his _brother_ had just treated his  _girlfriend_  "That's  _not_ how you talk to people,"

"Oh-" Alec started

"No no no no-" Clary interjected

"She's fine"

"This is just how we...this is a bit," Clary said, her hands motioning between the two of them.

"Yeah we do-"

"This is just how we talk to each other," 

"Earlier she called me an expired jar of dickless mayonnaise with an Oedipus complex,"

For once in his life, Jace was speechless. 

"I actually really enjoyed this string of insults," Clary stated after a moment "I thought it was great! Your adjectives  were A+, you had a forceful delivery,"

"I was holding back a little," Alec admitted sheepishly

"Oh really?" Clary cocked her head to the side "I thought it was Oscar worthy," she took a sip of her own coffee, ignoring the incomplete words Jace was trying to form. 

"What are the Oscars?"

Clary rolled her eyes "I can't with you right now," she slid out of her chair, grabbed some napkins and slapped them lovingly against Alec's shoulder "Clean up your damn mess you creatin," Alec chuckled as the door swung shut behind her.

 

 

 

Yes, Alec had hated Clary for a very long time, but his reasons seemed so stupid now that he had really gotten to know her better. And although the majority of the world would probably go to their graves swearing that there were no enemies greater than Alec and Clary, they knew they would remain the best of friends. _By the Angel_ Alec though, as he wiped the coffee off the table  _This shit is too sappy for me_.  


End file.
